Ashes to Ashes Page 2

  It hurt, yet what could I do? I couldn’t possibly do what Dante had suggested, turning up at Ash’s place, attempting to seduce him. I couldn’t seduce anyone. I was too shy. Even though people dressed me in revealing clothes for music videos and concerts, portraying me as some sort of sex kitten, I was the complete opposite. I’d only willingly had sex once, and that had been one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. Or more accurately, I’d attempted to have sex. It had been with a fellow musician. Not only was my fumbling and inexperience embarrassing, but her reaction to my crotch was downright humiliating. She’d actually laughed, telling me I couldn’t even please myself with a dick that small let alone her. I’d been so mortified. I’d gotten dressed in a rush, not listening to her backtracking apologies, the woman realising she’d not only upset me, but had deeply hurt me with her thoughtless comments. It had taken so much to accept her advances, and I hadn’t even been that wildly attracted to her, just had given in to my friend’s prodding that I should at least give people a chance. And I’d only chosen to go with a woman because I’d been too terrified of men at that stage of my life due to being raped at fifteen. I’d also assumed she’d be more understanding of my condition since she’d claimed to like both males and females, my body a combination of the two.

  No, I wasn’t a sex kitten by any stretch of the imagination. I wasn’t anything other than celibate and lonely. I turned to the mirror, staring at the person I’d become, so different from what I saw in my head. I didn’t see the ‘sexy’ twenty-seven-year-old woman everyone else saw, I saw the scared intersex kid from high school, who’d desperately wanted to fit in... still desperately wanted to fit in.

  I glanced down at my crotch, seriously considering taking the next step to becoming fully female, because I was sick of fighting a losing battle. And if I was being completely honest with myself, I’d wanted to be fully female for a long time, just had felt ashamed for rejecting my male side. It had been preying on my mind ever since a doctor had given me information about gender reassignment surgery after I’d started growing breasts. Yet, more than twelve years later, I still hadn’t gone under the knife.

  I sighed, wishing I wasn’t such a coward, otherwise I would’ve done it years ago. Also, rejecting my male side wasn’t the only thing that was holding me back. The fear that something could go wrong was just as strong, if not stronger. I was also afraid of not being able to win Ash over, even after going through with the op. I closed my eyes at the thought of Dante’s older brother. I’d been in love with Ash from the moment I saw him twelve years ago, when he’d rushed into my homeroom on the first day of Fifth Form, late because Dante had caused him trouble. I remembered everything he’d said to the teacher, how he’d gotten mad with the man for telling him off, then had climbed over his friend’s desk to get to his own one, receiving another telling off. And I’d been absolutely besotted. He’d been so beautiful with his wild, black hair and model-perfect features. He was still perfect now, just taller and more muscular, as well as tattooed. The designs on his neck and left arm, the latter extending to his pec, were so beautifully rendered. I’d imagined kissing them so many times, tracing the tip of my tongue over every line and swirl of the Maori patterns, the man my own personal masterpiece.

  My changing room door opened, pulling me out of my fantasy about Ash. I opened my eyes, startled to see Martin entering the room, his presence instantly sparking fear. With the exception of my close friends, I couldn’t handle being alone with men, what had happened to me as a teen causing lasting trauma.

  I quickly started doing up the buttons he’d undone. “Sorry,” I said, not understanding why I was apologising since he was entering my space uninvited.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about, beautiful,” he said.

  I went still at the compliment, Martin not having called me anything other than L in front of others. He bit his bottom lip, his obvious interest increasing my fear tenfold. Nothing good had ever come from men showing interest in me, their unwanted advances often causing me to freak out.

  My eyes flicked to the door. “Um... I wish I could stay and chat,” I lied, trying my best to keep the tremble in my voice at bay, “but I just got a call from my sister, asking me to meet her.” I forced myself to smile apologetically so he didn’t feel insulted.

  “She can wait a few minutes,” he said, approaching me slowly like a lion stalking its prey.

  I backed up into the wall. “What are you doing?” I said, jerking my head to the side as he reached for my hair.

  “You have the most gorgeous hair.” He ran his fingers through the long strands. “So bright and lovely, like yourself.”

  Without warning, he grabbed my face, causing me to gasp, but instead of jerking away, I froze. The memory of Ant Torres doing the same thing flooded my mind. I’d been fifteen at the time, Ant sixteen, yet his young age didn’t stop him from assaulting me, what came afterwards changing my life forever.

  “You are so beautiful,” Martin said, “so fucking beautiful.”

  Before I could protest, he planted his lips against mine. Snapping out of my stupor, I went to push him away, but he pressed hard up against me. I couldn’t even struggle, his much larger body making it impossible to fight him off. He eventually broke the kiss and started running his lips over my neck.

  “No!” I cried, my voice coming out soft, even though I wanted to scream it, my fear working against me.

  His large hands moved to my breasts, kneading them roughly as he continued to suck on my neck, causing me to start crying.

  He stopped what he was doing, his eyes moving to mine. “Why are you crying, sweetheart? I’m not going to hurt you, we’re just going to have a bit of fun.” He unzipped my pants and pushed a hand inside them. “Be a good girl... or is it a boy?” He fondled me below, making me gasp as one of his fingers brushed over my dick. “I can’t tell,” he said, rubbing circles around it, fear causing it to shrivel up inside my body.

  “Please stop,” I choked out.

  “If you’d just relax, you’ll like it, cutie,” he said, not letting up.

  I started trembling, more tears dropping onto my cheeks.

  “Ssh,” he said, kissing my wet cheeks, “there really isn’t any reason for you to be scared, L. I don’t mind that you’re different.” His hand moved around to my behind, his fingers burrowing down the back of my pants. “You have everything I need here.”

  I cried out as he pressed a finger against my hole.

  “Get your filthy hands off L!” a loud Texan voice hollered, startling the both of us.

  Martin’s hand whipped out of my pants. He spun around to face my manager and best friend. Jade was standing in the doorway, levelling him with an intense glare.

  Martin straightened, puffing out his chest. “How dare—”

  Before he could get another word out, Jade launched himself at him. I quickly scrambled to the side as Jade punched Martin in the face. Despite Jade being considerably shorter than Martin, he didn’t show one ounce of fear. He shoved Martin into the wall, looking like he was going to hit him again.

  Martin lifted his hands in surrender, his voice pained. “Stop! I did nothing wrong.”

  “Bullshit!” Jade hollered. “You assaulted my best friend!”

  I’d never seen him look so angry, Jade usually a restrained businessman, but right now, his pretty-boy Korean face was a mask of fury, the veins in his neck ready to burst.

  Martin inched to the side. “Calm down, Jade, you don’t want to do this. I’ll destroy your company.”

  Jade stepped in closer, his dark eyes blazing. “More like I’ll destroy you.”

  Martin visibly swallowed, looking like he believed him, and he should. Jade owned a top music label, not to mention having his fingers in other companies, my friend liking to spread the risk.

  Jade pointed at the door. “Get out!” he screamed at Martin. “Before I decide to do it!”

  Martin shot out of the room, leaving me alone with Ja
de.

  As soon as he was gone, Jade was in front of me, his hands going to my face. “Oh, L,” he said, looking distraught. “I’m so sorry.”

  I didn’t understand why he was apologising, he’d saved me, but I couldn’t tell him that. My voice had disappeared, only sobs coming out. He let go of my face and pulled me into a hug. Jade was one of only a few men I felt safe around, someone I trusted unconditionally.

  He ran a hand down my hair and kissed the top of my head. “I won’t let him anywhere near you again,” he said, softly. “I’ll also go with you to the police, backing up what you tell them.”

  I pulled away from his hug, not wanting that. All I wanted was to forget this ever happened, like what had happened in high school.

  Jade took hold of my hand, giving it a squeeze. “Grab your stuff,” he said, letting go a second later. “I’ll take you to a police station now.”

  I shook my head. “I just want to go home.”

  “After you’ve given a statement.”

  “Please, no, I can’t go to the police,” I replied, starting to panic. “If the media finds out what happened, it’ll be splashed all over the news. I can’t deal with that. My mam also wouldn’t be able to handle it. I can’t do that to her,” again.

  “Okay,” he said sadly, knowing where my fear stemmed from. “Just let me take you home, I’ll deal with everything else.”

  I nodded, so grateful to him. “Thank you, Jade.”

  He nodded back, watching silently as I fixed my pants and pulled my jacket on. I grabbed my bag and guitar, allowing him to direct me out of the room, leading me to his car in the parking lot. Before I knew it, we were heading for his house, not my apartment.

  I sat up straighter, definitely not wanting to go there since Dante also lived at the same address. I couldn’t handle any more drama, I just wanted to be alone.

  “Not your house,” I said. “My apartment.”

  “You shouldn’t be alone, L.”

  “I have to. I can’t handle being around others right now, especially Dante. He was so mad at Martin earlier. I had to stop him from attacking him. If he starts ranting—”

  “Okay,” Jade said. “I’ll take you home, but I’m staying with you.”

  “There’s no need for that, I’ll be fine. No one can get inside the building without a swipe key.”

  “I’m staying, L, end of story.”

  I didn’t reply, knowing he wouldn’t listen, and right now, I was grateful. Jade always made me feel safe—like Ash. My mind returned to Dante’s brother as Jade drove me home, wishing that I could go to his place instead. Although Jade was understanding, he couldn’t fully understand what I’d just gone through, both now and in the past. But Ash could. He understood how fear overtook me, because it overtook him at times too, the both of us having been raped at the same age.

  ***

  The next few days went by painfully slow, Jade continuously asking me whether I was all right, while Dante stalked around at work like a bull in a china store. He blamed poor Jade for hiring Martin after he’d found out what had happened to me. But worst of all, he wanted to go after Martin, describing all the ways he would kill the man.

  He continued to pace my office, looking like a gang member in his worn-out leathers and black singlet, his muscular arms bunching up as he continuously clenched and unclenched his hands.

  “You can’t do anything,” Jade said, watching Dante warily. “Martin’s already flown back to the States.”

  Dante growled, “The fuckin’ coward.” His eyes went to me. “Though, it doesn’t change a thing, you still needa lay charges against him.”

  I shook my head. “If I do that, it’ll be front page news. I couldn’t handle that.”

  “But, L,” he said, now looking concerned, “you can’t let that rapey bastard get away with this.”

  “Please, Dante, don’t take this personally. Let me deal with it in my own way.”

  He flinched, looking like I’d slapped him. “I’m not taking it personally.”

  “Clearly, you are,” I said softly. I’d seen him react to a similar situation a number of months ago, right here in my office. It was after he’d found out that his partner had been sexually assaulted by her work colleague.

  He went to open his mouth, probably to plead his case.

  I cut him off, “Please don’t turn this into an argument, Dante. You know I can’t handle arguments.”

  He looked like he was going to disagree, but instead nodded his head. “If you need me, call me. I don’t care if it’s in the middle of the night, I’ll come straight over,” he said, his joker side nowhere to be seen. No darlings, no loves, just genuine concern for my wellbeing.

  “Thank you,” I replied, so relieved he was backing down.

  “Don’t thank me,” he said, looking sad. “I wish I hadn’t left now. I feel—”

  I cut him off again, “You’re not responsible, Dante, so don’t even think it. Martin waited until everyone had left before he did anything. I was just lucky that Jade came looking for me.”

  Dante turned his attention to Jade. He walked up to him, giving our manager a pat on the shoulder, changing from telling him off to showing his appreciation. “Thanks for lookin’ out for my sis,” Dante said, his words surprising me. He usually called me love or darling, like he called all females, but never sis. It made me feel good that he thought of me as family.

  He turned back to me. “Does Ash know?”

  I shook my head at the mention of his brother. “I don’t want him to.”

  He frowned. “Why?”

  “Because he’ll do something stupid if he found out. You know him, know what he’s capable of.”

  Dante nodded, fully aware of his brother’s violent side, Dante’s aggression nothing in comparison. Although Ash had never been violent towards me, or any other woman, he was a totally different person around men. He often got into violent fights, one even ending in him killing a man, something he’d confided in me about. I was horrified over his confession, but had kept it a secret, fearful he would go to prison. Though, the scary thing was, if he killed again, I still wouldn’t tell a soul, and he would definitely murder someone if they gave him reason to.

  Like Martin.

  Dante shoved a hand through the mess of black waves framing his face. “I should leave,” he said, turning for the door, looking like he needed to get away before he went against my wishes, arguing with me further.

  I knew I was a coward for not going to the police, but I’d always been incapable of sticking up for myself. And the way Dante left without pressing me showed he knew it too, because he hadn’t folded this quick when he’d argued with his partner over similar matters.

  Jade’s sad eyes went to me. “Are you all right?”

  I nodded. “I’ve dealt with much worse, Jade,” I answered, my words unfortunately true, Martin’s actions paling in comparison to what Ant Torres had done to me. “I’ll get past this, like I got past Ant.”

  Jade’s right eye twitched. “I wish you’d told me about that monster. I wouldn’t have worked with him if I’d known what he’d done to you.”

  “Martin or Ant?” I asked, not sure which of my attackers he was referring to.

  “Ant, although it applies to Martin as well. Dante’s right. They could assault others if you don’t let people know what these men did to you.”

  “Ant was punished, Ash saw to that, while Martin...” I exhaled loudly. “You know I’m not strong enough to weather the media frenzy it would bring. Please just let me deal with this my own way.”

  He sighed, looking as defeated as Dante had. “The way you deal with things is to cut yourself off from people, L. Please don’t take off again. I need you here, both as a friend and professionally.”

  I gave him a sad smile. “I won’t run again, I have an anchor here.”

  He returned my smile, probably thinking I meant him, which I didn’t.

  My anchor was Ash Rata.

  2
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  ASH

  I gently laid my baby down in her cot, holding my breath, afraid she would wake up. Lily had been teething, her first year molars coming through early, keeping me up most of the night with her crying. I was exhausted, only my boarder looking bright and sparkly this morning. Kara had even made me breakfast, a plate full of bacon, eggs, and hash-browns, with a glass of freshly squeezed juice. I knew why she was pandering to me, but it wouldn’t make a lick of difference. I was still kicking her manipulating arse out of my house. I was a stupid fuck for letting her rent a room. I’d taken pity on her after my brother had dumped her for another woman. And what did she go and do in repayment? She’d actively worked to break my partner and I up, feeding my now ex with lies about me cheating on her with L. Although L was a beautiful woman, I’d never even considered cheating on Tiana with her. I hated cheats and Tiana knew that, so it stung even more when she’d accused me of being one. She’d screamed and yelled at me, not even considering that I was telling the truth, which had led me to walk out on her.

  I went to tiptoe out of Lily’s room, stopping as Kara appeared in the doorway, blocking my path. Afraid she was going to wake Lily up, I flicked my hand at her to leave. She did, sashaying her hips as she walked down the passage, making her arse jiggle. I closed Lily’s bedroom door quietly, following after Kara, annoyed that she hadn’t left yet. Even after all she’d done, she was insisting that I give her a proper tenancy notice, which was ridiculous considering we didn’t have a contract. I hadn’t even asked for a bond.