Crying Out Silent Read online

  Both Joel and Ant spun around to face me, Ant’s expression changing from surprised to furious in a split-second. Before I could blink, he charged at me, his rage-filled yell making me wonder whether I was going to die here instead of at the beach—because he looked like he was going to kill me.

  He bashed into me, taking me down. My head bounced off the floor, knocking me out. Then I jerked back into the world of consciousness, finding Ant fighting off Joel. He punched Joel in the face, knocking him into a locker. Joel collapsed to the floor, out for the count.

  Ant then turned back to me, a vicious sneer pulling across his face, his eyes on fire. He closed the distance between us in the blink of an eye, and grabbed me by the arms, my head still too dazed to fight him. My focus blurred in and out as he dragged me over to the showers.

  “This is all your fault,” he jabbered. “Llewellyn would’ve liked me if it wuzn’t for you. You ruined my life, making everyone believe your bullshit. Well, if they all think I’m a rapist I might as well get one last fuck in.” He dumped me onto the shower floor and bent over, putting his face right up to mine. “I’m gonna make you wish you never saw Llewellyn, gonna make you pay for stealing him offa me.”

  I spat in his face.

  He yelled out and walloped me across the face. My head whipped to the side, causing my vision to go hazy again. Then I felt it, felt something that made my stomach turn and all of my senses go on high alert.

  Ant was undoing my pants!

  Panicked, I tried to push him away, but he hit me again.

  “You want a fag,” he snarled. “I’ll give ya a fag.” He turned me onto my front and grabbed my waistband, yanking my pants over my arse. I kicked out at him and tried to crawl away, but he pulled me back.

  “No!” I screamed.

  “Yeah, Llewellyn screamed too,” Ant snarled, pulling my pants down my thighs. “He screamed loads, cried too. You gonna cry when I fuck ya, Ash? Cos I’m gonna fuck ya hard.”

  I twisted around and struck out at him, getting him in the face. He hollered and punched me back, causing my head to spin. Then he grabbed my pants again, removing them completely, along with my undies.

  “I wanna look ya in the face when I fuck ya,” he said, pulling out his dick. “Like I fucked Llewellyn the second time. Made him look at me, made him see who he belonged to.” With a nasty smile, he dropped between my legs and grabbed my thighs, folding me over.

  And I went nuts.

  I kicked him in the chest, knocking him back. I pushed up and went at him, punching him in the face, fighting him like I hadn’t been able to fight against my stepfather. But like with Chaz, Ant had the upper hand. He launched himself onto me, tackling me to the floor. He punched me in the face, then grabbed my head, smashing the back of it against the floor, leaving me stunned, bleeding, dazed, and unable to defend myself. He grabbed my legs once more, folding me in half.

  A voice hollered, “No, Ant!” sounding like—

  A panic-stricken Mr. Daniels appeared behind Ant. He wrapped an arm around Ant’s neck and yanked him away from me. Ant slipped free and turned on him, punching Mr. Daniels in the face, knocking him down. A split second later he was back on me, but Mr. Daniels didn’t give up, hollering at Ant to stop as he desperately tried to wrench him away from me. Ant wasn’t giving up either, something inside of him snapping, like a crazed bull out for blood. With a roar, he launched himself backwards, body slamming Mr. Daniels against the floor, Ant considerably bigger than our gym teacher. Then he went for me yet again, with his dick in hand, going to—

  I let out a furious holler and kicked him in the face, getting a direct shot to his nose, bone crunching beneath my heel. He cried out and fell onto Mr. Daniels, who yelped under the monster. Ant rolled off him, while Mr. Daniels curled up into a ball, clutching his groin. Ant pushed up onto his hands and knees, dripping blood onto the floor, his nose busted-up bad. Before he could recover, I smashed my fist into the side of his head, hollering blue murder, wanting to kill the fucker, to pulverise him until he was nothing but a bag of meat. I didn’t stop punching him even when he collapsed, what he’d tried to do to me, what he’d done to Kelley, and most of all, what he’d done to Llewellyn fuelling my rage.

  Next second, a shocked yell rented the air. Before I could react, Marko ripped me away from Ant. Practically lifting me off the floor, he slammed me against the tiled wall of the shower, looking like he was going to smash my face in. Mr. Daniels cried out “No, Marko!” but Marko’s fist was already heading for my face. I closed my eyes, tensing in anticipation, yet the blow never came. Marko yelled out instead, causing me to open my eyes. He’d smashed his fist into the tile next to my head, his agonised expression and the blood smearing his knuckles telling me he’d probably broken his hand. But instead of nursing it or cursing me for beating up Ant, he turned to his mate, a continual stream of no’s leaving his mouth. And I knew why.

  Ant looked dead.

  Marko dropped to the floor and curled over Ant, wailing like a kuia at a tangihanga, as though he was truly mourning the dead. Looking in pain, Mr. Daniels turned to them, a trickle of blood discolouring his upper lip. He placed two fingers to Ant’s neck, exhaling in what looked like relief. His eyes shot to Joel, who was now conscious and leaning against a locker, staring at the three of them with unfocused eyes. He looked like he’d only just come to, his dazed mind probably trying to make sense of what was happening. I didn’t quite understand it all either, shock starting to set in.

  “Joel, call for an ambulance!” Mr. Daniels yelled.

  When Joel didn’t do anything, Mr. Daniels yelled louder, finally getting through to him. Joel pulled out his phone and rang through, his hand trembling, his voice not much better as he spoke to the person on the other end of the line.

  Murmurs started up from the entrance, alerting me to the other boys from our class. They were piling through the door to see what was happening. Mr. Daniels quickly pushed to his feet and went to me, picking up my pants along the way.

  “Put ’em on, Ash,” he said, handing them over, blocking me from their view.

  I heard the words but couldn’t process their meaning, my head still muddled from all the blows. The back of my skull hurt the most. Blood was trickling down my nape, probably soaking into my shirt.

  “Ash,” Mr. Daniels said, “get dressed.”

  Finally registering what he was saying, I stepped into my pants, pulling them up my thighs, wobbling from all the blows that Ant had landed on me. Mr. Daniels steadied me, helping me over to the bench-seat once my zipper was up. My attention shifted to Marko, who was still leaning over Ant, hugging him like he’d lost a brother.

  Joel sat down next to me. “Is he dead?” he croaked out, his hands still trembling as he fidgeted with his phone.

  “No,” Mr. Daniels replied, “but we need that ambulance asap or he could be.”

  “It’s comin’.”

  Mr. Daniels’ focus returned to me. “Are you okay?”

  I grimaced, far from okay, the full extent of what had just happened hitting me all at once. “Ant tried to rape me.”

  Joel covered his face at my words, while Mr. Daniels’ expression turned sorrowful, his eyes so big that I wondered whether they reflected my own upset.

  “I know,” he finally said, “and I’ll be telling the police.”

  “He did it to Llewellyn too,” I choked out, feeling pain both inside and out. “He raped him. Twice. It’s why Llewellyn tried to kill himself.”

  Mr. Daniels’ face went slack, no words needed as a reply, his reaction telling me he believed me utterly.

  I continued, “Just in case Ant tries to lie, tries to say it wuzn’t like that, Kelley wrote down his confession. He actually admitted to the rape, just didn’t think she’d tell anyone cos he manipulated her like he wuz manipulating Llewellyn. She also wrote ’bout how Jenna caused her accident. They needa be punished, Mr. Daniels.”

  “They will be.” He turned his attention to Joel, who was now s
taring at me in horror, finally believing everything I was saying. “Take care of Ash,” Mr. Daniels said. “I’ll go wait for the ambulance.” He took off for the door, snapping at the other boys to get out of his way.

  Joel wiped a hand across his face, spreading blood over his cheek, his nose still red from Ant’s punch. “I’m sorry, I shoulda believed you.”

  I shook my head, wincing at the pain it caused, my head not feeling so good. “I’m the one who should be sayin’ sorry. I stonewalled you.”

  He blinked rapidly, looking close to tears. “You have nuthin’ to be sorry for, Ash. Nuthin’.”

  “Neither do you.” I leaned over and gave him a hug. “Thanks for tryna defend me.”

  He patted my back. “No probs, I’d die for you, bro.”

  I let go of him and pushed to my feet, knowing it wouldn’t be him dying. “I’ve gotta go.”

  Joel got to his feet too. “You can’t, you needa wait for the ambulance. You were knocked out.”

  “You were too. You wait. I’ll be fine.”

  “No, you can’t leave.”

  “I hafta. I promised to be somewhere by ten-thirty.”

  “Where?”

  I frowned, wondering whether I should tell him. “Claydon Beach,” I finally said, realising it didn’t matter if he knew or not. Joel would find out soon enough why I’d gone there.

  “I’ll come with ya,” he said.

  I shook my head, once more wincing at the pain it caused, needing to remember not to fucking do that! Breathing out, I indicated to Marko, who was still crying over Ant’s still form. “Go help Marko, he needs ya now.”

  “But what ’bout you?”

  “I’m fine.” I patted his arm. “You don’t needa worry ’bout me anymore, all will be good after I meet this person, all will be sorted.”

  He frowned at me. “Just come straight back when you’re done. The cops will wanna talk to ya. Actually, no, go straight to the hospital. We both needa get our heads checked out. I’ll wait for ya there.”

  “’Kay,” I lied, having no intention of seeing him again.

  22

  LLEWELLYN

  I sat, staring out at the sea, thinking it was a beautiful day to die. Ash was next to me, looking out at it too. I’d basically jumped out of my back window, sneaking around the house so my mam didn’t catch me. I wished I could’ve said a proper goodbye instead of leaving my farewell letter on my desk. She deserved so much better—I just couldn’t give it to her.

  Ash turned his attention to me. “You ready?” he asked, his beautiful face cut and bruised. The back of his hair was also matted with blood, which had sent me into a frenzy when I first saw it. But he’d told me to can it, that it meant nothing, that we’d be dead soon. After I’d calmed down a bit, he’d told me he’d gotten it from fighting Ant, what I was seeing nothing compared to Ant’s smashed in face. That had put a smile on my face, making Ash smile in return.

  “If you’re ready,” I replied, now growing even more nervous, what we were about to do... I exhaled, willing myself not to shake, to not show any signs of being scared, because this was what I wanted.

  Wasn’t it?

  Yes! And Ash wanted it too, and there was no way I would let him go out there alone. We were in this together...

  ...until death do us part.

  I pushed to my feet and slipped off my long coat, revealing the one thing I’d never had the courage to wear before. A dress. It belonged to my sister, a pure white summer dress with straps, a tight bodice, and a flowing skirt that stopped above my knees. I’d always been jealous that Caitlin could wear dresses whenever she wanted, never having to worry about what other people would say. I wanted that freedom for at least once in my life, and why not have it in death as well? But I wasn’t stupid, I knew Ash’s reaction would be strong. I just hadn’t been sure whether it would be a good or bad reaction, or whether he’d laugh or stare. It turned out to be the latter, his wide-eyed stare eating up my body, causing my face to burn brighter than the sun.

  I wrapped my arms around my chest. “Ash?” I said, not knowing what else to say, other than wanting him to stop staring. I’d loved it when he’d stared at my boobs the other day, but today was different, my self-consciousness over wearing the dress, as well as what we were about to do, overpowering any possible thrill.

  His eyes flicked back up to my face. “You really are a girl,” he said as if it was a new concept, not something I’d already told him.

  “Half girl,” I replied, now wishing I’d worn the Harrington jacket my father had given me, the navy-blue one he’d worn as a boy. It wouldn’t have gone with the dress, but the combo would’ve been more me: boy meets girl.

  Ash shook his head. “No, I wuz wrong, you’re not a girl or a boy.”

  I frowned. “What do you mean?”

  He smiled softly. “You’re an angel.”

  My face went slack at the last word, my heart pounding out of my chest. “You think I’m an angel?”

  “You look like one.”

  He leaned his head towards me, stilling me, because it looked like he was going to kiss me, and he did, just not where I wanted it—on the mouth. Instead, his lips grazed my left cheek, still sending a thrill through me. I gasped, just the fleeting touch meaning so much to me.

  He pulled back, giving me another smile, this one much sadder than the first. He held out his hand. “Let’s go.”

  I threaded my fingers through his without a second thought, feeling his warm palm against mine, though I shivered at his touch, knowing it wouldn’t be warm shortly.

  He started walking towards the sea, drawing me along with him. He stopped a few feet from the water, which was lapping against the sandy shore, making me wonder whether he was having second thoughts like I was. I went to ask, but he started walking again, pulling me into the water. I squealed at how cold it was, capturing his attention.

  “You all right?” he asked, looking at me with concern.

  “It’s cold,” I said, my teeth now chattering.

  “Oh,” he replied, almost as though he’d thought I wanted to back out, which I did...

  ...yet didn’t.

  I didn’t ever want to let go of his hand, but I also didn’t want to go back to my life of hell, where he wouldn’t be holding my hand or kissing me on the cheek. If he didn’t take me further out to sea, he would go back to Tiana, while Ant would come after me regardless of the beating he’d received. Even the police wouldn’t be able to stop him. Not for long anyway, because when he got out he’d hunt me down, his words still ringing in my ears.

  You’re mine. Forever.

  And I’d rather die than let him touch me again, which meant I needed to do this now, saving myself from more pain. Because I couldn’t take Ant’s touch even for the briefest of moments, Ash’s touch the only thing I desired.

  I tightened my grip on Ash’s hand, steeling myself against the cold water. “Let’s do this before I freeze my non-existent nuts off.”

  A smile played across his lips, clearly amused by my words, but it disappeared as fast as it had appeared. He gave my hand a squeeze and resumed walking, pulling me along with him. The waves were now doing a ring-a-ring o’ roses around my waist, threatening to drag me down, but I continued to place one foot in front of the other.

  Before I knew it, the water was up to my chest. A bigger wave splashed against me, sending sea spray into my face. I cried out, causing Ash to stop again. “It splashed me in the face,” I quickly said before he could ask if I was all right again, because I wasn’t all right, far from it.

  He let go of my hand and turned away from me. “Jump onto my back,” he said, bobbing down, Ash considerably taller.

  I linked my arms around his neck, letting out a squeak as he grabbed my bum. He lifted me up, causing my heart to bang in my chest, everything becoming too much for me.

  He hooked his arms under my legs, hoisting me higher, then continued to walk out slowly, pulling further away from the shore. He stop
ped as the water hit just below his neck. He let go of my thighs, causing me to cry out and cling onto him tighter, fearful he was going to dump me into the water. But he didn’t, instead pulling me around to his front, murmuring, “It’s okay, I gotcha.” I quickly wrapped my legs around his waist and locked my arms around his neck, hugging him so tight, so scared of him letting me go.

  He returned my hug. “Do ya still wanna do this?”

  I pulled my head back to look at him, our faces so close to each other, a breath away. His eyes were enormous, fear causing his pupils to swallow his irises whole. I didn’t reply to his question, conflicted, scared, and so in love I knew if I didn’t die now he would break my heart like Ant broke my will.

  “You scared?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said, wanting to cry.

  “Me too.”

  We went silent again, the both of us just staring at each other. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he having second thoughts like I was, his fear getting the better of him, or was he still wanting to do it no matter how scared he was?

  I went to ask if he was having second thoughts, that I was too, but a wave cut me off, splashing over our heads. I instantly closed my mouth and tightened my grip around his neck, pressed my face into it. The wave passed, leaving Ash coughing and spluttering, sounding like he’d swallowed some water. I pulled back, concern for him taking over what we’d come here for. He looked like he was choking, then another wave hit us, this time too fast for me to close my mouth. I swallowed a mouthful of water, spluttering on it. Then another wave hit us, this one ripping me away from Ash, dragging me down. I started to panic, my need to breathe taking over my desire to die. I opened my eyes and reached for Ash, seeing him reaching for me too. He grabbed me, pushing my head above the water, allowing me to suck in air greedily. A second or two later, I realised he was completely submerged, the current having dragged us out into deeper waters.