Crying Out Silent Read online

“I didn’t say it wuz,” Joel retorted. “I just don’t understand why he... I mean, why she went to Ant’s place after he tried to rape her.”

  “He apologised for what he did the first time,” I answered. “I thought he meant it; thought he wanted to be my friend.”

  “Like fuck, he wanted to get into your knickers, you stupid twat.”

  “Joel!” Ash let go of my hand and pushed off the bed. “Apologise!”

  Joel lifted his chin up, looking totally unrepentant. “Just tellin’ it like it is.”

  Ash stepped closer. “Apologise now,” he growled, poking a finger in Joel’s face.

  Joel smacked his hand away. Mr. Daniels was up in a second, pushing between the two best friends, Ash’s hand already clenching.

  “Calm down, Ash,” Mr. Daniels said.

  “Not until Joel stops blaming Llewellyn!” he yelled, his strong reaction taking me by surprise. “This is on Ant, not Llewellyn.”

  “I know it’s on Ant,” Joel replied, “but Llewellyn still shouldn’t have gone to his house after Ant tried to dick her out, smearing her name as well. What the fuck is wrong with you, Llewellyn?” he said, turning his focus to me. “If I were you I would’ve knifed him.”

  “Llewellyn’s not like you or any of us,” Ash answered before I could, glaring around Mr. Daniels at his friend. “She’s too sweet to hurt anyone. Ant saw that, used it against her, so don’t you dare blame her for what happened.”

  “No, Ash, I am partly to blame,” I said, touched by his words, but knowing Joel was right. “I should never have gone to Ant’s house.”

  Ash shook his head. “I don’t bloody care where you were, at his house or in the boys’ restroom, you didn’t deserve what he did to you. You didn’t ask for it, you said no, you are not at fault no matter what.” His hard stare returned to Joel. “Like I didn’t ask for it, or have ya forgotten what that sicko tried to do to me?”

  Joel blanched.

  “So, apologise to Llewellyn,” Ash persisted.

  “For what?” Joel asked.

  “For victim blaming her, you dumb cunt.”

  “You don’t hafta call me dumb, you arsehole!”

  “Just say sorry!”

  “’Kay! I’m sorry, L.”

  “Her name’s Llewellyn.”

  “Llewellyn’s a boy’s name, and she’s a girl, so she’s L to me from now on.”

  I blinked at Joel, the name... “Elle,” I spelled it out.

  He turned his head to me. “No, not the name, just the letter L.”

  I bit my lip, liking it a lot, my name never having felt right, L suiting me a hundred times better.

  Joel frowned back. “How did you ever pass as a bloke? Now I know you’re a chick, I can’t see any boy in you.”

  “You didn’t fully look at her,” Ash said. “Like I didn’t. We thought she wuz a boy so didn’t see what wuz right in front of our noses.”

  “Yeah,” Joel said. “I don’t look at boys’ faces, don’t really look at chicks’ faces either, just their tits.”

  Ash sniggered. “You’re a dirty cunt.”

  A smile pulled at Joel’s lips since the first time we arrived. “Nah, I love dirty cunts.”

  “Joel,” Mr. Daniels said, his tone admonishing.

  Joel snorted out a laugh, Ash too, the two of them laughing away everything that had come before it. Then Joel stopped. He stepped around Mr. Daniels and wrapped his arms around Ash, pulling him into a hug.

  “I love you, bro,” Joel said. “Don’t scare me like that ever again.”

  Ash patted his back. “I won’t.” He glanced over her shoulder at me, looking for something, maybe an agreement that I wouldn’t either, regardless of what I’d said earlier.

  I nodded at him, getting a smile as a reward. I smiled back, loving him so much.

  25

  ASH

  Llewellyn’s smile lit up her whole face. I’d never seen anything so beautiful, the reaction it sparked inside of me making me feel deeply uneasy. Joel was right, she was way more than a friend now, what we’d experienced, our connection...

  Was this love?

  I quickly looked away from her. I couldn’t love Llewellyn; I hardly knew her. That sort of feeling came over a period of time, not in a whisper of time. Months, not days. Our intense experience was just fooling with my head, trying to trick me into believing there was something more between us, which was understandable considering we’d almost died... No, I had died, Mr. Daniels bringing me back to life. Anyone would go a bit loco after that, plus what me and Llewellyn had done out in the water, hugging each other like our lives depended on it—and we had depended on it—that would change anyone.

  But it didn’t mean I loved her.

  I glanced back at Llewellyn again, seeing her staring down at the blanket, looking so...

  My heart banged against my chest, knowing it couldn’t be love, but also knowing there was something there that I didn’t have with Tiana. I’d always thought that I wouldn’t last with Tiana, but Llewellyn... No matter how things progressed from here on in, I wanted to be in her life, whether it was as a friend or more. I just wanted to protect her, to make sure that nothing bad ever happened to the sweetheart again.

  I pulled away from Joel and went to get back into the bed with Llewellyn, eager to be by her side. Her gaze shot past me, a touch of fear making her eyes go big. I turned to see what had caused such a reaction. Hunter ran into the room with... Tiana. I instantly backed away from the bed, feeling like someone had punched me, guilt smacking me in the face, even though I had nothing to feel guilty over...

  A lie.

  That thought instantly disappeared as Hunter barrelled into me. I yelled out as he lifted me off the floor, hugging me so tight that I felt like I was being crushed.

  “Hunter,” I squeaked. “You’re crushing me.”

  He put me down, his hands going to my face, concern written across his harsh features. “You all right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I wuz told that you drowned, that someone had to resuscitate you. How the fuck did you drown? You’re a grade A swimmer.”

  Before I could answer, Joel opened his big trap. “He tried to kill himself.”

  Hunter swung around to face Joel. “What?”

  “He swam out with Llewellyn, both of ’em tryna top themselves. I saved Llewellyn, while Mr. Daniels,” he pointed at our gym teacher, “saved Ash. Lucky Ash told me he wuz heading out to Claydon Beach or he’d be dead by now, along with Llewellyn.”

  Hunter’s eyes snapped to Llewellyn, who instantly shrank at his stare, then his stare was on me, a bellow following. “What the fuck, Ash!” He grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me back against the cabinet, getting a yell from Mr. Daniels.

  “Get your hands offa him!” Mr. Daniels barked, moving forward so fast I was scared he was going to attack Hunter.

  Hunter let go and whipped around to face Mr. Daniels. “What the fuck gives you the right to tell me what the fuck to do? He’s my son! He fuckin’ tried to kill himself! I have a right to lose my shit!”

  “Without hurting him,” Mr. Daniels growled back.

  “I didn’t bloody hurt the boy, I wouldn’t never hurt him, but he owes me an explanation for what he did.” Hunter’s eyes snapped back to me. “You promised you wouldn’t kill yourself, you made me that promise,” he emphasised by stabbing at his chest.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmured, my gaze flicking to Tiana, who looked like I’d slapped her, her cheeks red, her eyes watery.

  “Sorry ain’t bloody good enough! You have a baby on the way, a woman who loves you, a father who loves you, and I’m talkin’ ’bout me, not that worthless piece of shit, ex-junkie dad of yours. You also have grandparents who would be devastated if you died. It almost killed ’em putting their daughter in the ground, and you wanna make ’em bury you too?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, my baba’s and dida’s reactions to my mum’s funeral still haunting me. My brother’s reaction hurti
ng just as much, while my li’l sister’s reaction along with her twin’s...

  “I’m sorry, so sorry, so sorry...” I said, unable to handle the influx of memories.

  Hunter’s arms went around me again, gentler this time. “Don’t... don’t ever do this again. I can’t take it, Ash. I can’t lose you. You’re the only person I love in this fucked up world. You dying would kill me.”

  I placed my forehead against his shoulder and hugged him back, too choked up to reply. I didn’t know how long we hugged for, but a sound at the door eventually made Hunter pull away from me. It was Llewellyn’s mum and sister. Both of them rushed into the room, their sole focus on Llewellyn.

  Mrs. Davies was next to Llewellyn in a second, wrapping her arms around her son... daughter... My brain was still wrestling with the fact I no longer thought of Llewellyn as a guy, everything flipping on its head today.

  Mrs. Davies started crying, setting Llewellyn off, along with Caitlin. Llewellyn’s sister pushed past me to hug Llewellyn as well, the two women encasing the youngest of their family.

  Then I was also being wrapped up in a hug, Tiana blindsiding me. I looked down at her head as she pressed her face into my chest, telling me how much she loved me. My gaze moved passed Hunter to Joel, who was watching me, almost daring me to tell Tiana what I’d done... that I’d hugged Llewellyn like this, had pressed her against my chest even tighter.

  Guilt hit me again. Had I cheated? But I’d never kissed Llewellyn, and our hug had been out in the water, our survival depending upon it. My hands on Llewellyn’s tits came to mind, what we’d done the other day making me reconsider. Though, that hadn’t been on purpose, and just because I’d held her hand didn’t mean I’d cheated either. But Joel kept staring at me, the look in his eyes telling me that I had cheated. I shook my head at him, not wanting it to be true, and if anything, I’d never intended on returning to Tiana. I’d intended on dying.

  With Llewellyn.

  I glanced over at Llewellyn. Right at that moment she looked up at me, over the heads of her mum and sister, who were still hugging her, sobbing like they thought she was going to leave them for good. Her eyes dropped to Tiana, sadness falling over her expression. Then she pressed her lips together, giving me a tight smile. A nod followed, almost as though she was giving me permission to hug Tiana back, and I did. I wrapped my arms around her, wishing it was Llewellyn I was hugging instead.

  Llewellyn looked away, her eyes going to her mother, who was now talking to her, telling her to never do this again. I knew the whys would eventually come. Mrs. Davies would soon find out what had happened wasn’t an accident. She would also find out about what Ant had done to Llewellyn, especially with the police now involved.

  I looked at Joel again, who was nodding at me. “Tiana,” he mouthed, pretty much telling me to choose her.

  I didn’t reply, not knowing what to do.

  26

  ASH

  In the end, the choice was taken away from me. After Mrs. Davies found out what had happened, I wasn’t allowed near Llewellyn. She also pulled Llewellyn out of school, making it even harder for me to see her. I’d tried to phone Llewellyn quite a few times, but every single time her mum or sister freaking answered, the both of them telling me to stop calling. It was almost as though they were taking turns watching over Llewellyn, which wouldn’t have surprised me considering Llewellyn had already tried to kill herself more than once.

  So, I gave up on phoning her, visiting Llewellyn in person instead, which went down even worse. Mrs. Davies went ballistic, absolutely hysterical when she opened the door. She screamed at me to leave, flinging out a whole lot of words I couldn’t decipher, her accent much stronger when she was upset. I jumped down the front steps and bolted out the gate, stopping at the sound of Llewellyn calling out to me. She was waving from a window, looking like she was ready to climb out of it. Her mother’s head whipped around to her daughter, shouting at Llewellyn in those undecipherable words again. Llewellyn pulled a face, but instead of going against her mother, she disappeared back inside, drawing the curtains. Then Mrs. Davies was glaring across the lawn at me, hollering at the top of her lungs, “If you come back, I’ll call the police!”

  So I didn’t return, instead turning my attention to Tiana, where it should have been all along, no matter how much I was obsessing over Llewellyn. And she had become an obsession, because I couldn’t get her out of my freaking head. I kept going over every second we’d spent together, especially when we were in the water, the way we’d clung together coming to mind the most. But it didn’t make a difference, she was now out of my reach and the girl within my reach needed me. I had to front up, looking after Tiana and our unborn child. Tiana was the one here, my reality, while Llewellyn was a fantasy. No matter how much I wanted it to be different, I knew it wasn’t going to change. So, I got on with my life. I went back to school regardless of the whispers around me, everyone speculating on what went down between Ant, Llewellyn, and me. I ignored it all, plus Joel and Marko had my back. Marko even punched someone in class when he caught them talking about me, his mellow temper changing into a hot one with a hair-trigger response. It was just lucky I managed to talk the Maths teacher into not sending him to the principal’s office, Ms. Farris having a thing for me. Still, it didn’t stop Marko from acting out elsewhere. He started doing things that wasn’t in his nature, like going wild at parties, drinking to excess and doing more than just losing his virginity. The guy went from being a chaste Catholic boy to a fuckboy, even screwing Rhoda. I could see he was only doing it because he was hurting over what had happened with Ant. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just waved me off, then smiled at the next girl who walked up to him, his smile not matching the hurt in his eyes. Ant hadn’t just fucked with Llewellyn’s and my life, he’d fucked with Marko’s too, ruining a friendship that had been in place since they were small kids.

  While Jenna...

  The bitch was finally expelled, ending up doing her exams at Claydon High. I normally would’ve felt sorry for anyone going to that school, but all my sympathies were with Claydon this time around. The roughest school in the country had no clue that the li’l blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl they’d accepted was a violent psycho, someone that definitely had a few screws loose.

  While the biggest psycho of them all...

  I saw Ant at his trial. I took the stand, speaking out about what he’d done to me as well as what Llewellyn had told me he’d done to her, answering whatever questions the lawyers put to me. Ant looked like he could leap across the table, launching himself at me. But I didn’t flinch away. I was never scared of him, all his sneers and evil glares having no effect on me. I just hoped that he got locked away for as long as possible. So, I looked right back at him from the stand, letting him know he was going down for everything he’d done to me, Kelley, and Llewellyn.

  Unlike me, Llewellyn didn’t take the stand, her mother getting approval for Llewellyn’s testimony to be taken by video. That was when Ant showed the first signs of remorse, the look on his face as he watched Llewellyn on the screen suffering through telling the lawyer about what he’d done to her, how her voice hitched, the sobs escaping... Tears filled his eyes as well as my own. There weren’t many dry eyes in the courtroom that day, even the tough-as-nails judge looking affected.

  At that point, I stood up and left the court, Llewellyn’s pained words too much to watch another second of. Hunter followed me out, placing a hand on my shoulder as we walked into the open air, the summer sun bright over our heads.

  “That filthy animal’s goin’ down,” Hunter said. “There’s no way he’s gettin’ off after what that li’l girl said, also after what you said. That gym teacher and Joel put the boot in real good too. That mongrel will be locked away for a while.”

  I sat down on the front steps of the courthouse, fully aware that Ant going to youth prison wouldn’t be the end of it. I knew that all too well. I’d feared my father getting out of prison, and although that fea
r had ended up going away, I would always fear my stepdad getting out. And he would eventually, even if it was many years down the line. I knew Llewellyn would feel the same way about Ant being set free, and I knew he would get out a lot sooner than he deserved.

  “What happens when he gets released?” I asked. “Do ya think he’ll go after Llewellyn again? Will she be safe?”

  Hunter sat down next to me, undoing the button on his jacket, which was one size too small, like the rest of his suit. It was his only one, the dark-blue combo dragged out whenever there was a funeral or court case, the latter more often than not, Hunter always clashing with the law.

  He scratched his beard. “I don’t think the bastard will risk goin’ after Llewellyn again, not after the punishment he’ll be gettin’. He’ll defo go to youth prison for this, there’s no two ways ’bout it. Plus, he wuz crying when that chick came onscreen. He glared at you, that teacher, that crippled girl,” he said, mentioning Kelley, “and Joel,” he glanced back at my best mate, who was leaning against one of the courthouse’s pillars, “but when Llewellyn testified he blubbered like a li’l kid. He may not be remorseful for hurting you, but it looks like he definitely is for hurting that chick.”

  “L’s not a chick,” Joel said, moving to my other side. “She’s a hermaphro-thingy.”

  “Don’t call her a thingy, you dumb shit!” I snapped.

  “I’m not dumb! I couldn’t remember what’s it called.”

  Hunter cut my reply off, “What the hell are you two on ’bout? Cos that sweet li’l thing is defo a chick.”

  “Half one,” I said. “She’s intersex.”

  “What the fuck is intersex?” Hunter asked.

  “Both male and female.”

  Hunter’s eyes went wide. “Holy fuck! You for real?”

  I nodded, my gaze going to Tiana as she appeared at the entrance. She’d spent most of the time in the restroom, probably chucking up, her morning-sickness extending into the second trimester.

  “You all right?” I asked, looking up at her.

  She nodded, wiping a hand across her mouth. “Is everything done? Is Ant convicted?”