Crying Out Silent Read online

  “Shouldn’t you be in class, Llewellyn?” Mr. Grey said, his English accent posh. He was all bow ties and perfectly ironed trousers, not one thread out of place.

  “I came to listen to Ant play Bach.”

  “That’s nice, but you really should be in class,” he said. “I don’t want you getting into trouble.”

  Feeling like I’d imposed, I nodded and got to my feet, embarrassment heating my cheeks.

  “Can you please hold this for a sec, Mr. Grey? I just needa have a word with Llewellyn.” Ant handed over the cello to him, then headed for me as I opened the door. “Did’ja like it?”

  I nodded, keeping my eyes on Mr. Grey, who was watching us with a quizzical expression, probably wondering why I was talking to Ant, since we looked like chalk and cheese next to each other.

  “I’ll see ya after school, then,” Ant said, looking pleased with himself.

  “I can’t.” The disappointment in his eyes made me feel bad, but I still wasn’t willing to go to his place. There was no way I wanted to be alone with him, especially after he’d pulled my pants down.

  “Nope, you’re coming, we made a deal, so I’ll see ya later.” He turned and headed back to Mr. Grey.

  I quickly left, wondering how I could get out of going to Ant’s place. But if I didn’t go he’d probably get nasty again, and besides, I liked this version of Ant, well, better than the other one.

  Over the following hours, I went back and forth between deciding whether I should go or not. After my last class, I went to my homeroom, where Ant was. He didn’t look at me at all, making me wonder whether he’d changed his mind.

  When the bell rang, he didn’t approach me, so I walked home, feeling relieved, but surprisingly, also a touch disappointed. It would’ve been nice to have made a friend, plus Ant had some of the same interests as me and he was also the first gay guy I’d spoken to. Yeah, I was bi not gay, but still, we both liked guys. I wondered how he coped with keeping it a secret, especially since he was friends with such hot straight guys, because even that messy dreadlocked boy was good-looking.

  And Ash.

  If I was Ant, I would be a stuttering git around him. I also didn’t think I could cope with sitting next to Ash without drooling. God, I didn’t blame Ash for thinking I was a loser, especially after I cried in front of him.

  The next day at school Ant came up behind me and pushed me into the toilets, making me yelp as I skidded across the floor, almost falling over. He kicked each stall door open, checking if anyone was in them. When he found them empty, he pushed me up against the wall, looking the scariest I’ve ever seen him. His features were twisted, giving them an ugly cast.

  “Why did’ja stand me up yesterday?” he snapped.

  “I-I-I di-didn’t,” I pushed out, feeling like pissing myself.

  “Then, where were you?” he growled. “I waited ages in the toilets for you.”

  “You-you didn’t tell me to wait here. I thought you-you changed your mind.”

  He let go of me. “You ain’t lying, are ya?”

  “No, you di-didn’t tell me to wait here. I thought you were going to leave with me after ho-homeroom, but you ignored me, so I left,” I babbled.

  His frown lessened. “That wuz Joel’s fault. The prick kept making smart-mouthed comments ’bout you bein’ gay. And it’s not like I’d leave class with you. We can’t be seen together.”

  “Why not?”

  “Cos everyone knows you’re gay. How would it look for me to be walking with the gay kid? They’d think I wuz a fag too.”

  “But you are gay, and I’m not. I like girls just as much as guys.”

  “I don’t want my mates knowing. I told ja, Joel’s a homophobic arsehole. And are ya pulling my leg? You can’t seriously like girls.”

  “I like anyone that’s beautiful.”

  “What ’bout good-lookin’?” He smiled. “Nah, don’t answer that, of course you do. You kissed me back,” he said, obviously thinking he was good-looking.

  “Does that mean you’re not mad at me anymore?” I asked, his smile making me hopeful.

  “Yeah, I’m happy you didn’t ditch me. I wanna be your friend, though we can’t be seen hanging together.” He touched my hair. “Don’t take it the wrong way, but I like you and all, just it’s harder for me coming out. I’m the captain of the rugby team. Not exactly a good thing if my team-mates find out I’m gay. They’ll pro’bly get all paranoid and shit, and think I’m perving at ’em, which is a load of bullshit, since I’m not interested in any of ’em, well, except for Ash, but you can’t blame me for that, cos that prick’s way too hot. You should see him when he showers. Shit, it makes me wanna fuck him so bad. It takes all of my energy not to crack a boner.” He scowled at me. “You perv at him all the time, so don’t look at me like I’m a creep.”

  “I’m not.”

  “You screwed up your face.”

  “I didn’t mean to, and I didn’t know you liked Ash. You’re always insulting him.”

  “Just cos I like lookin’ at him doesn’t mean I like him as a person.”

  “But he’s your friend.”

  “Nope, I only hang with him cos he’s friends with my mates. If it wuzn’t for Joel and Marko, I wouldn’t talk to him, apart from at rugby. Anyway, I don’t wanna talk ’bout that pussy-muncher, I wanna make sure you’re not gonna pike out on me a second time. So meet me here after school, no excuses this time.”

  “Um... I...”

  “I said no excuses. You promised to go home with me, so I’m holding ya to it. Got it?”

  I nodded, scared of making him angry.

  “Cool, see ya then.” He leaned forward and kissed my cheek. Next thing he was gone, leaving me standing alone, touching my cheek, stunned by what he’d done.

  The bell rang, snapping me out of it. I headed for class, going through the day in a daze, not sure what that kiss was about. It had been soft, not threatening at all, sort of friendly, yet more. But did friends kiss each other on the cheek like that? Maybe it was Ant’s culture, because his surname was Spanish.

  After the final bell for the day rang, I went to the toilets, crazy nervous, questioning my sanity for going there. But if I didn’t, I knew he’d come after me. So, if I had to see him, I wanted it to be the nice Ant I was facing.

  I leaned against the wall by the sinks, trying to calm down by thinking about what sort of PlayStation games Ant had. But it wasn’t working, because I honestly felt like throwing up. I grabbed onto the edge of the sink, telling myself the alternative would be worse if I took off. I looked up at myself in the mirror, not understanding why Ant was even interested in me. I didn’t think I was much to look at. My hazel-green eyes were the only nice thing about my face, yet they were overshadowed by my bright orange hair. I’d wanted to dye it blonde, but my mam wouldn’t let me, saying it was a lovely colour. I didn’t agree, because it made me stick out like a sore thumb, a neon sign for bullies. It also didn’t help that I looked younger than I was. Everything about me screamed Pick on Me! From my long orange hair to my fine features, which made me look girlish, right down to my tiny frame. I scowled at myself, wishing I was a full girl, instead of half a one, because then maybe I wouldn’t get picked on. I would also have more of a chance with Ash. I stalled at that thought, remembering what the doctor had said about the gender reassignment surgery, something that could make me fully female. I’d said no, too scared to go through with it, though every time I looked at Ash I wished I’d said yes.

  Pushing the thought out of my head, I glanced at my watch, surprised that ten minutes had passed by in the blink of an eye. I started to wonder whether Ant was coming, then by fifteen minutes I headed for the door, deciding he’d changed his mind, definitely relieved this time.

  When I exited the toilets, I saw him running down the empty corridor in his muddy rugby gear, heading straight for me. He stopped in front of me and bent over, placing his hands on his knees, looking like he was trying to catch his breath.
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br />   “Sorry I’m late,” he panted. “Coach wuz bein’ a right prick. He made me run extra laps for doin’ some hard tackles.” He straightened, the pungent smell of grass, mud, and sweat overpowering.

  I covered my nose, quickly uncovering it at his scowl.

  “I don’t smell that bad.” He lifted an arm and sniffed, then staggered back dramatically. “Whoa! You’re right, I do stink.” He dropped his arm. “Doesn’t matter, I’ll have a shower when I get home.” He grinned. “We both can, cos you kinda stink too.”

  I blanched. “No, I don’t!”

  He snorted out a laugh. “Sheesh, you really can’t tell when people are joking, can ya? You needa loosen up, man.” He patted my arm. “You’re wound up tighter than Joel in a gay bar. Not like he’d ever go to one, but I can imagine that homophobe clenching his arse cheeks and running like hell.” He sniggered, looking like he was picturing it. “And relax, bro. I’ll shower while you play with my games. My mum bought me some new ones you might like.”

  “I’ve never played PlayStation before,” I said, relaxing a little.

  He cocked a brow. “You’re kidding?”

  I shook my head.

  “Ha! A PlayStation virgin. I’m gonna enjoy popping your cherry.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I asked, now worried.

  He sniggered. “You’ve got a dirty mind. I like it. But I meant, I’m gonna teach you how to play the games, though if you’re up for more, I definitely wouldn’t say no.”

  I bit my lip, not knowing how to answer that.

  “Chill, dude, I’m just playin’ with ya.” He patted my arm again. “Let’s get outta ’ere before someone spots us. Dumb-arse Joel’s got detention.”

  We headed for the door, his words still bugging me, because I was starting to wonder whether he thought this was a date. I’d never been with a guy before, let alone had friends, so I wasn’t sure whether this was what mates or boyfriends did.

  Outside, only some stragglers were hanging around, but they didn’t look at us. Anyway, Ant was already way ahead of me, his long legs moving faster than I could keep up with, and it didn’t look like he was going to slow down as he blitzed the school’s front lawn, treating the footpath like a running track. I almost called out for him to slow down, but caught myself in time, remembering he didn’t want to be seen with me. I picked up speed, doing my best not to lose him, although it was puffing me out majorly. Once we were a few streets away from school, thankfully, he stopped, waiting for me to catch up.

  As soon as I reached him, I collapsed on the grass, out of breath in a really bad way.

  He laughed. “I ran ten laps of the field and now this, and you’re the one who’s puffed?”

  I pulled out my inhaler from my pocket, sucking in the Ventolin greedily.

  His face dropped. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were asthmatic. Are you all right?”

  I nodded as I took another puff.

  Appearing relieved, he yanked me to my feet. “Sorry, squirt.” He let go and slung an arm over my shoulders, then jerked it away, his eyes darting to a car as it drove past. He started walking. “My home’s at the end of this road.”

  I followed him, this time much slower, since I knew where he was going. Plus, I was exhausted, the Ventolin only helping me breathe, not soothing my worn-out body.

  He led me to a rundown property. Although the house looked awful, at least the grass was trimmed, with some pretty flowers in the garden. He jumped up the front steps and unlocked the door, ushering me inside a room that resembled a storage space more than a lounge. The walls were stacked high with boxes, only a small couch and the TV giving it a lived-in look.

  Ant dumped his bag on a box, then switched on something under the TV. He pulled out what I assumed was a controller, handed it to me, then turned on the TV, directing me to the couch.

  “Play while I have a shower.” He disappeared down a passage, closing the door behind him.

  I looked at the screen, not having a clue how to play the car game that had appeared on the TV. I moved the thingamajigs on the controller around, but kept crashing into the wall or plummeting over the cliffs, that was, once I managed to turn the car in the right direction.

  After about ten minutes the passage door opened, revealing Ant in well-worn jeans and a white T-shirt. His face was now clean-shaven, the lack of stubble making him appear younger. Out of his uniform, his body looked even more impressive. The T-shirt he was wearing, which looked a size too small, pulled tight across his shoulders and torso, showing off his muscles. He grinned at me, probably realising I was staring at his body. Embarrassed, I refocused on the game, hoping my face wasn’t a splotchy red.

  He sat down next to me. “You’re terrible.”

  I glanced at him, not sure whether he was referring to my game-playing skills or me perving at his body.

  That grin of his stayed plastered on his face. “You can’t play for shit.”

  “I’ve never played it before,” I said.

  “Keep the controller steady.”

  “I’m trying to.”

  “Sit in front of me and I’ll help ya.”

  When I didn’t move, he shook his head and pushed me forward. He climbed behind me, settling me between his long legs. I sucked in a breath as he wrapped his arms around me. He placed his hands over mine, steadying them, which he needed to, because they were now shaking. He started instructing me on what to do, but I didn’t take any of it in. All I could think about was his arms around me and his breath tickling my ear. Even worse, he was hard behind me, his dick pushing against my back. Then, before I knew what was happening, he was kissing my neck. He let go of my hands and started undoing my shorts, making me inhale sharply. He slipped a hand inside and started fondling me.

  “Your dick’s defo closer to a clit,” he murmured against my neck.

  Horrified, I yanked his hand out and jumped up, humiliated and angry he’d made fun of me. “I have a condition! You don’t have to make fun of it, and I didn’t ask you to put your hand down my pants.”

  He pushed to his feet, making me take a step back. “Chill, li’l dude, don’t be so uptight. I didn’t meana upset you, and I actually like you bein’ tiny.” He took hold of my arm. “Let’s go to my room.”

  Scared, I pulled free and went for the front door.

  He shot in front of me, blocking my way. “You ain’t leaving, babe, you just got ’ere.” A slow smile pulled at his full lips. “Plus, I wanna do you.”

  “No, you can’t!” I spluttered, shaking my head vigorously, panic flooding me. “I haven’t had sex before.”

  “There’s a first time for everything.”

  “But I don’t want to.”

  “Why not? It’s fun.”

  “It hurts.”

  “How would you know if you haven’t done it before?”

  “Kelley cried when you did her.”

  “She wuzn’t crying, she wuz bein’ a whiny bitch cos she couldn’t get my cock where she wanted it: in her pussy. Fuck that, I like arse, not cunt. Sloppy boxes are nasty. Done it once, never again. And I only did her cos I have a thing for redheads.” He reached out, running his fingers through my long hair. “I love the colour.”

  I took a step back. “Why? It’s horrible. People at my old school called me names because of it.”

  “Well, they’re morons. It’s a gorgeous colour. I also like your freckles, they’re cute as fuck.” He touched my cheeks, making me flinch. “And I love how your face goes all splotchy when you’re embarrassed.”

  “That looks awful too.”

  “Nah, it’s adorable, just like you.”

  He lunged for me, grabbing me before I could escape. I squealed as he lifted me up.

  He laughed. “You’re so cute.”

  “Put me down!” I yelled, trying to wriggle free.

  He tightened his grip. “Once you’re in my bed.”

  He carried me to his room and dumped me on the bed. I tried to get up, but he
pushed me back down and kicked his door shut with his heel. He started pulling his top off, which made me freeze, because he had a six-pack and the most perfect V shape, something I loved in guys. He shunted his pants and undies down, stripping naked. The rest of his body was just as beautiful, his dick jutting out, hard and impressive. I stared at it, partially jealous, partially in awe. He climbed onto the bed, moving over top of me, causing me to snap out of my dumbstruck state.

  “What are you doing?” I shrieked, trying to push him off me.

  “You.” He grabbed my shorts and started pulling them down.

  “No, don’t!” I yelled, desperately latching onto them.

  He yanked harder, removing my shorts completely, along with my underwear. I started crying, not believing this was happening.

  “Ssh,” he said, “it’s all good.”

  He flipped me onto my stomach and pushed my legs apart. I tried to scramble away, but he yanked me back, pinning me down with his forearm. I heard him spit, then he was—

  I cried out as he pushed a finger inside of me.

  “I’m just prepping you, so calm the fuck down,” he said.

  I wriggled about, trying to get free. He pressed down harder on my back and pushed another finger in, causing me to cry louder.

  “Stop bein’ a cry-baby,” he said. “I promise my dick’ll feel real good.”

  But I couldn’t stop crying, because none of this was good. I hated what he was doing, wanted him to stop so bad. He finally removed his fingers, allowing me to breathe out. Then I felt it. I looked over my shoulder, now in full-blown panic. But it was too late, his cock was already pressing at my hole. He grunted and shoved it inside of me, ripping an air-splitting scream out of me.