Don't Peek (The Diaries of a Teenage Girl) Read online

  I’m tired right now. I’m in Art History and my head’s all funny. I’m just so tired. I wish I could get into Art History, but I find it immensely boring. I need something to occupy me. I hope I get some letters from my pen pals today. I should get into my work so I won’t keep thinking of other things, especially that damn party I’m not allowed to go to.

  I’ve got my job this Friday, so I can’t do anything with Darius that night. It’s my first day on the job. At least now I will have some cash coming in.

  The Ball’s coming up soon and I’m praying that Darius will ask me. I want him to get serious about me, have a relationship, not just go places together sometimes and when we pass say “Hi”. I want us to be together a lot. But I guess that takes time. I should be pleased that he actually wants to go out with me. And everyone says he likes me. It’s just my paranoia that is getting to me.

  I better do some Art History now.

  Written in my diary...

  Forget what I said on that piece of paper, I was just paranoid. It’s true, but I feel better now, because I went to the library the last fifteen minutes of Art History and Darius was there. I worked there till the bell went, then put stuff away and went to get my backpack. Well, Darius came up to me and we walked together to my art room. He asked what I was doing at the weekend and Friday. I told him I was working on Friday, so he said he’d think of something to do. We can’t do anything on Saturday night because he’s going to THAT party, the one I’m not allowed to go to. What a bummer. Anyway, I’ll talk to him about it at English, which is first. Still, I was so happy when he was talking to me and I’m so happy now, too, because he wants to see me and go out together this weekend. We could also go somewhere in the holidays. Just the two of us. He is just so-o-o nice, and he’s gorgeous. He’s the nicest boy I know. Well, he isn’t exactly a boy, he’s nearly nineteen.

  THURSDAY

  4

  MAY

  I, for my ambition, would like to become a black belt and take my own classes. I know it will take years, but I have the determination to do it. I really like karate. Right now it’s the only thing I do know I like, besides Darius. Darius is gorgeous.

  We just had a Limbs concert in the hall for the 6th and 7th formers’ last period. It was good. They announced at the end of the concert that the ball will be on the 16th of June, and that tickets will be on sale as soon as everyone comes back from the May holidays. The tickets separately are $35 each and a double ticket is $68. So, it’s time for everyone to ask each other to the ball. I want Darius to ask me.

  I got karate tonight, so I will be getting my actual yellow belt. I will swap my old white belt for the yellow one. Darius won’t be there, probably because he has a calculus test tomorrow. He has it first period.

  I wonder whether I will try out for the army. It sounds interesting. It takes 6 months to get in though. Tomorrow is the last day at school before the holidays. We only have 3 periods tomorrow. Mine are Study first – I’ll probably write letters in that period, then there is English with Darius, and last History. This term has gone so fast. It’s incredible. And it’s the longest one, too. I wonder what will happen next term.

  FRIDAY

  12

  MAY

  I’m a confused kid. My head is in a muddle. Well, I’ll tell you what happened during the time we finished school, from last Friday to now.

  On Friday night I had work, which started at 5 and finished at 9. It was my first time at Kendals department store. The people who work there are very nice, heaps nicer than at the last department store I worked at when I was younger.

  After work Mum, Dad, and Nina all came to meet me and take me home. Then I got changed to go to Anthony’s house for the spa. Mum took me down and I met Darius, Anthony, and Lena there. At about 9:30 we went in the spa and came out at 11:30, which meant I got home late. I was supposed to be home by 11:30 pm at the latest.

  On Saturday, I went to work from 9:30 to 12:30. At night I went to Shena’s house at 7:00. I told Shena what had happened since she’d left school and we watched the movie ‘Little Nikita’, it was good, then we watched some ‘Superstars of Wrestling’. Shena and her father took me home at 10:30 pm.

  The next day I went to church by myself and then to karate. I was in a grouchy mood after karate and I went to sleep for a while. I rang Lena about the party that I wasn’t allowed to go to. I wanted to know what had happened, and I also wanted to have all three of them over for a video, well at least Darius, but Lena said they would be sleeping because they were all tired.

  I had REALLY wanted to go to that party, so all weekend and before it I couldn’t get it out of my head, because I was pissed off that I wasn’t allowed to go.

  On Monday I went to work at the cafe, where Mum sometimes helps out, from about 11:00 to 3:30. I got $22.50 out of that.

  At night I rang Darius up to see whether he wanted to have a swim at the pools and then get a video the next day. He said “Yes”. We had a great time on Tuesday, me and Darius. We got ‘Saigon’ out. It was a good video. He left about 5:30. I think he asked me out for Wednesday to go to town. After he left I was in a really good mood and didn’t feel confused at all. I went to karate and I was grinning all night.

  On Wednesday the 10th I went to town with Darius. We caught the bus at about 9:30 and when we got to town we looked around the shops. He got a David Bowie tape. We went to see ‘Tequila Sunrise’ next. It was an excellent movie. It had Mel Gibson, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Kurt Russell in it. After the movie we went to Victoria Park Market, and on the way we passed an old girlfriend of Darius’s and her sister. At Victoria Park Market we looked around, had some lunch and then went to the park across the road. After that we walked back up to the main part of town and looked through a huge shop, then walked to the wharf. Before that Darius got some ice cream for me and himself, and we tried to push the ice cream into each other’s nose. At the wharf we sat down at the edge and talked like before, then he climbed this thing to see whether he could get up it. While we were there, he asked whether I wanted to go to his mother’s wedding on the last Saturday before school. I said “Yes”. We then walked back to catch a bus, and he started talking about the ball. But, he hasn’t asked me to it yet, but it sounded like it was going that way. Maybe he will ask the next time he sees me.

  We caught a bus straight away when we got to the station, and on the way home we talked a lot. I pulled the cord just before the Intermediate, where I was going to get off. Darius didn’t know I was getting off there and I didn’t know he wasn’t getting off at the same stop, so I nearly walked off the bus without saying “bye” to him, but luckily I turned to look behind me and saw him down the end of the aisle smiling at me. I said “bye” from where I was and got off the bus. I hope he doesn’t think I’m an idiot for doing that, but I didn’t know he wasn’t getting off there. I hope he realised what happened.

  Well, I walked home and got there at 4:50. From then on I became confused, going over what I had done. But I had an excellent day out with Darius. He’s excellent.

  The next day I went with Mum and Nina to the hospital at 8:30, so Nina could get her arm checked. After that we went to Shanton and other places on Cavendish Drive, then to Manukau Shopping Centre. I got a really choice vinyl jacket there. It was $59. Then we had lunch and looked around some more shops. I couldn’t find anything I could wear to Darius’s mum’s wedding. After Manukau we went to Deka and got a nice ice cream at Big Fresh. I posted my letter, then we drove to my great grandmother’s house, where we stayed for a while. My grandfather and one of my cousins were also there. We then went home, returning around 4:00, maybe 3:30.

  That night I went to karate, hoping to see Darius, but he wasn’t there. At karate I was in a foul mood, but at the last bit I became happier and started mucking around. Dad picked me up after it was finished and we went home.

  I had tea and watched T.V. After that I went to bed at 12:15, because I watched the funny British movie called ‘St. Trinian’
s’.

  So, now it’s Friday, nearing the end of another week and I’m confused again. Half of our holidays are nearly over.

  Darius is leaving tomorrow to go up north to see his father and will be gone for about 5 days at the most, because he has to be back in time for his mum’s wedding. I hope he phones me so I can see him before he leaves. I want to at least talk to him, so I won’t be confused anymore, because I can get confused by anything no matter how big or small it is.

  He also has to tell me when the wedding starts, etc. He’ll probably tell me that when he comes back from seeing his dad and little brother and sister. His younger brother and sister are only babies.

  SATURDAY

  27

  MAY

  I’m so nervous that I can’t even write properly now. I always get nervous when I ring a boy, even if he is my boyfriend.

  Well, the wedding went great. Darius rang up on Tuesday and we were on the phone for two whole hours. Actually, the wedding was brilliant, everyone in Darius’s group talked to me and it was like I had been in that group for ages. I even talked to Mike Nicholls, the one I used to have a crush on, and I wasn’t embarrassed. I like Darius so much. Darius’s brother Sebastian gave his mother away at the wedding because her father is dead. Darius’s other brother Brent is so funny.

  I went to bed about 12:20.

  All this week I sat with Darius’s group. And on Monday, when we had Liberal Studies, we did ballroom dancing. I danced with Darius. He’s a real good dancer.

  Anthony had his last day of school on Friday, because he’s going to do a journalism course. At the end of lunch I got him covered with heaps of stinking talcum powder, dumping it down the back of his shirt and on his hair. It was so-o-o funny. He tried to get everyone else covered in it. The others were supposed to bring eggs and shaving cream, but they forgot.

  Well, I’m going to try and ring Darius up again because there was no answer before, and I want to ask him to the pictures tomorrow, because ‘Young Guns’ is on and I really want to see it, also I want to go somewhere with him.

  Darius is going to the ball with me! Yey! Hopefully we will be going nightclubbing after it with the Afterball.

  I hope he answers the phone when I ring, because I want to speak to him and know that he still likes me. Sorry about that, I get paranoid sometimes. He must like me to want to go out with me, so why do I get paranoid like this?

  The 14th of April was when I first asked Darius out and he said “Yes”. The 15th of April was our first date. That is nearly 6 weeks we have been going out together and we haven’t even kissed. I’m going to have to start getting randy or something. He’s put his arm around me and some other things, but hasn’t kissed me yet. Well, he gnawed my hand a bit, but it wasn’t a kiss. Anyway, wish me luck as I’m going to ring again.

  ________________

  No answer, no one’s home. I’m going to try again later on. I wonder where he is?

  SUNDAY

  16

  JULY

  So much stuff has happened since I last wrote, and I am really stupid for not having written sooner. First thing I want to write about is the Ball. It was on the 16th of June and it went great, although it went by too fast. The band was great, the food was great, everything was great, and Darius was gorgeous. But I felt a bit self-conscious because of my hair. It had been permed on the Monday before the Ball, then on the day it was set in rollers, which meant I had no fringe – it felt all funny, I didn’t like it.

  Yesterday a group of us, about 20 altogether, went to Valentines at 6:30, then into town to see the movies. We saw ‘Married to the Mob’. I liked it a lot. Michelle Pfeiffer acted in it. Brilliant. We went to the Manukau bowling alley after that and stayed there till about 11:20, then my older sister took Darius and me home. This was all for Diana’s birthday.

  Did I tell you my older sister is engaged? Great aye! She is going to marry Phillip, my future brother-in-law, next year on the 10th of February, and I’m bridesmaid. Their engagement party is tonight, just for the relations.

  I have now been going out with Darius for 3 months from yesterday. His birthday is at the end of this month. It’s funny reading over what I wrote ages ago, because a lot of things are different now. It’s especially funny reading about Darius not having kissed me. Well, that situation has changed. Amy reckons at first kissing is horrible or gross, but after a little while it is wonderful and you can’t do without it. Well, it was definitely weird at first, really awkward, but I still liked it. But I suppose she would know more about it than me. Anyway, I actually kissed Darius first. I was so nervous, but decided I wasn’t going to chicken out, because I didn’t want to wait any longer, so when Dad dropped him off at his house, I told Dad I wanted to walk Darius to the door, and because it was in a place Dad couldn’t see, I kissed Darius there. I don’t think Darius was expecting it, and I did it fast, sort of got him half on his lips and half off. I was so nervous, but I still did it! And now he kisses me all the time.

  But I’m unsure about things at the moment. School’s not going well, and I just want it over, I’ve had enough of it. I’m sick of my subjects, and I think it’s affecting everything, because I’ve also got mixed feelings about Darius. I suppose one second you can’t do without them – boys – and the next you can. Well, I hope everything turns out for the best, because he is really nice.

  It’s weird being popular now, and I am. I’m part of a big group. I’m invited to heaps of parties and I can’t believe all this is happening to me. The group I’m in is the group I wanted to be in all of 6th form, and now I’m in it and have a boyfriend. I used to feel a fool around these people last year, and now they are my friends. It’s freaky. Still, I’m not happy with school, not with my group and it probably isn’t with Darius either, it really is the study that I’m not liking. I reckon I’m failing Bursary, or I should say I’m going to, and everything is so-o-o different from all the other years. I don’t want to fail, and to pass my subjects I’m going to have to do a lot less social stuff, and a whole lot of work. I’ve changed, I really have changed.

  Amy really pisses me off sometimes – it’s like she ignores me. I think it’s because I sit with Darius’s group now, not with her, and she’s jealous. Well, now I’m on a roll, I’m going to make heaps of new friends and be the most popular person in the 7th form and the college.

  WEDNESDAY

  26

  JULY

  That is all shit about wanting to be the most popular person and so on; I just get carried away sometimes when I write. And forget what I said about Amy, things change and if she wanted to sit with me she would. I guess it’s like when Clara used to sit with her boyfriend, and I used to get annoyed, so I shouldn’t get annoyed with Amy for feeling the same way. She has every right to. So be it. Things happen and you can’t change them, just as long as we still stay friends.

  Anyway, I’ll get to the actual reason why I’m writing in my diary right now. I’m getting real pissed off because at school this week all I’ve done is be a nuisance. It’s because I get so bored. I’m really afraid that Darius is losing interest in me. Well, I guess I will see tomorrow whether I’m paranoid or not. But I’m really afraid that he might be. Tomorrow I must be more mature and sexy, and not an immature nuisance. I am really getting fed up with my stupidness. It’s pissing me off. Well, here’s the plan for tomorrow.

  Thursday

  Art History (me) – Study (him)

  Study (me) – Maths (I think he has this?)

  ___________________________

  Interval

  ___________________________

  English together

  ___________________________

  Lunch

  ___________________________

  Liberal Studies together

  History (me) – Physics (him)

  Well, when I get to school I’ll go to the library for roll call. Actually, no, I won’t, I think we have assembly first so I’ll meet Darius there and be randy. If
we don’t have assembly then I will pass him by when he goes to study and slap his butt. Hold around waist if assembly, etc. Also, when I go to the library for study after Art History, slap as before. Interval – hands caress or hold. English – same.

  When lunch comes hint at going home. More there. Liberal Studies we will probably be doing a tug-o-war, because if it rains we can’t do soccer – pity. History next and ride home after. Talk about his birthday and present – don’t tell him what it is though. Talk about dinner at the carvery.

  Please don’t let him lose interest in me. I’ve got to do something – not be such a stupid nuisance.

  Wear same jeans and red T-shirt with green hooded top and cream jumper, and either blue jacket or denim one. Same shoes.

  I’m really, really scared that he will drop me, so I must get my mind onto something else like homework, and work non-stop till I see him, and then I will make him want me so badly – he has me, but he hasn’t done anything so I’m going to make him randy and eager. Well, we have been going out for 3 and almost a ½ months. That is a long time and it’s going to be even longer, much longer.

  Tomorrow, I’m going to make him want me so much. To do something very special for me and him. He is my first boyfriend and so I want to be both his girlfriend and his best close friend. I want to be so-o-o close to him. That settles it – no more immatureness. I will be mature and sexy for him. I can’t be gutless, so I will do what I plan to do. I can’t chicken out this time, I’m going to be firm and not betray my wishes because of gutlessness. I’m going to do what I say.